February 8, 2010
Dear Serenity’s Soul
I keep this phone near me constantly. I wait to hear its sound because I know that on the other end, there will be a sense of peace…or at least that’s what I hope. I am behind in so many ways. I’ve never had a cell phone, because I have never been able to afford one. Everything that everyone else has is nothing but wishes for me, wishes that at times come true, but are often lost among the distant stars. Other young women my age are off living their lives, engaged in happiness with other people, engaged in a life full of promise. I am just now discovering my life after years of having to fight to keep it. If it sounds like I am having a pity party, perhaps I am. Perhaps I am looking at life through sad eyes tonight simply because I don’t know how else to look at it right now. Today was just an empty day, and yeah, I know a day is what you make of it—but sometimes a day is just a day regardless of what you do. Sometimes it’s just a trashy, messy, foggy, empty kind of day.
Maybe waiting to hear from my mother, or having to hear the ignorant nag of Stacey has me being rather impatient with life. I mean after all, I am where I am, and right now I can’t move—so what good is there in throwing a pity party? I don’t know. I am lingering between emotions, and I can’t lean to one side or the other. All I can do is just….be, if that makes any sense at all. I am sorry. Forgive my nonsense. Maybe I should just put us both out of this miserable moment and go to sleep, and maybe tomorrow holds a different key to a different door.